Day 22

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Dear ------,

Although this wasn't recently, the hurt runs deep and I think about it constantly.  I like to think of myself as being a forgiving and loving person, and I've tried so hard with you, but this is always in the back of my mind.  About a year after Drew and I got married, when we were struggling so hard to start a family, I shared my frustrations and feelings with you.  You told me, "Maybe you aren't worthy of children right now, there must must be something in your life that you need to work on."  Every time I hear about another baby born addicted to crack, or shaken to death, I think, "According to your thinking, this person was WORTHY of getting pregnant, but I wasn't."  When Drew and I got our two GORGEOUS children, who I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, were meant to be my babies, you never came to visit, we had to take the kids to see you.  I can't help but think that in your eyes my children are "2nd best" because I was never "WORTHY" of getting pregnant.  You definitely treat my children different, but whatever you think, my children MOST DEFINITELY WERE NOT my consolation prize, but in fact the INCREDIBLE spirits that chose Drew and I to be their parents.  Who knows why they had to come to us the route they did, but they forever and always are my babies, and were always meant to be my babies.  You are depriving yourself of a relationship with these AMAZING kids!!  The words you said to me 10 years ago pierced my heart, and it still stings.  Something else you said, haunts me every morning as I swallow my little anti-depressant pill,  you told me that if I would just read my scriptures and pray, I wouldn't need to take a pill every day.  I'm a spiritual person, and I know what it is to receive an answer to a prayer.  I have a chemical imbalance, it's very real, and it cannot be solved with reading my scriptures and praying.  Deep down, I don't think that you meant to hurt me all those years ago, at least I pray that you didn't.  I wish we had a better relationship, hopefully, someday we can.  I hope you realize that Carter and KayCee are INCREDIBLY SPECIAL, and are the children Drew and I were meant to have, and we love them more than anything on this earth.  I pray that you will think before you speak, and you will NEVER say anything like this to another young woman struggling with infertility and/or depression.  I do love you, I hope that Heavenly Father will erase the hurt in my heart because I've held onto it long enough, and maybe this letter was the first step in letting go.  Maybe someday we'll actually have a conversation and I'll be able to tell you these things.

Love,

Brandee